Practical Advice

Give up on yourself.

Begin taking action now, while being neurotic or imperfect, or a procrastinator or unhealthy or lazy or any other label by which you inaccurately describe yourself. Go ahead and be the best imperfect person you can be and get started on those things you want to accomplish before you die.

- Shoma Morita, M.D.

The Problem Perspective

Many people, who come to the Morita School Website, come in search of a solution to a problem like depression, anxiety, substance misuse, challenging children or relationships. However, it is very common that part of what makes these things a problem is a problem of perspective. The way we look at a problem, how we describe the problem, often limits the solutions that are available to us.

There is a story about a man who had been bitten hundreds of times by dogs. One day he went in search of a solution for his problem. He had tried unsuccessfully to solve this problem on his own, so he went to the wisest people in the village to help him unravel the mystery. He asked each person the same question, “Why do dogs hate me?” Every person he asked had a different theory. One thought it might be how he acted around dogs, another thought it might be the way he smelled, and a third believed that it might be his use of eye contact. They all tested their theories in a similar way, by introducing the man to a number of dogs in controlled settings where they could observe the interaction. No matter what dog they introduced to the man, they observed nothing unusual about the interaction. One by one every expert gave the man the same answer, “I don’t know why dogs hate you, I am sorry I cannot help”. Disappointed the man went to the local tavern. He took a seat at the bar next to the town drunk. The town drunk observing the man’s long face asked him what was wrong. The man explained his dilemma, and how he might be doomed to an existence of being bitten by dogs. The drunk, not really interested in solving the problem and hoping to change the subject, asked “What do you do for a living?” The man still consumed by his worry answered without thinking, “I’m a burglar and I break into houses for a living.”

Though ridiculous in many ways, this story illustrates a common blind-spot in the way we look at problems. We often explain our problems in terms that do not bring into question our own behavior. We would prefer to change our problems by changing other people or conditions in our lives rather than changing ourselves. This may seem to work until we encounter people and conditions that we have no power to change.

This powerlessness; this total lack of control is at the root of many of our most persistent problems. In a way, we can think of all problems as one problem. That problem is not getting our way. We want to be married and we are single, we want to be single and we are married, we want to be healthy and we are sick, we want to be wealthy and we are poor, we want to be happy and we are depressed, we want the conditions of our life to conform to our wishes and we are powerless to make that happen.

The alternative to this control agenda of making conditions conform to our wishes is acceptance. Acceptance is not approval. Neither is it lying down and giving up. Acceptance is surrendering to the truth of our situation. We adjust ourselves to the truth of our circumstances rather than trying to change a situation that we are powerless to change.

In many cases the circumstance that we have defined as a “problem” is really very natural, often universal in human experience. Most people, for example, experience some level of depression or anxiety in their life. We all get sick. Every parent struggles with “challenging children”. Some percentage of the population is genetically predisposed to developing addiction, heart problems, diabetes, cancer, or schizophrenia, even if they do “all the right things”, and none of us do all of those things. If we reflect on the truth of life we can readily see how striving to get our way is an agenda that is doomed to failure. We all strive in our lives to create something that is lasting and secure, while in the back of our minds we all know that things are impermanent. Everything with form will eventually crumble and pass from existence. Change is the only constant. However, we often settle for living in an illusion of permanence and security, which seems to bring us comfort until it is shattered by the truth of life that eventually asserts itself when we become depressed, or get cancer, or encounter problems with our children. Then this delusional perspective adds to our suffering. We may feel that we have somehow failed to control that which is uncontrollable.

Another problem with this perspective of competency and control is what it does to our relationships. Because the conditions and situations that please us are assuredly different than the conditions that would please someone else, our agenda to get our way also places us in conflict with others. We often struggle to maintain the upper hand, to negotiate our wishes without regard for how this affects the people surrounding us on which we are interdependent; the people who grow our food, and make our clothes, and maintain the mechanical and social infrastructure on which our lives depend; the friends, family, and coworkers who clean up after us and care for us despite our limitations. We are frequently oblivious to or even critical of the things they do for us, because we are focused only on those aspects that do not meet our expectations. It is little wonder that many relationships are filled with conflict and dissatisfaction.

From this perspective most problems become our inability to accept life as it is and the human tendency to get trapped in the self-centered, immature, delusion that people are supposed to serve our needs rather than looking for opportunities to serve others and contribute to life.

When we can make this shift in perspective about what the problem is, our solutions also change. If I am depressed, rather than trying to rid myself of my unpleasant experience, my challenge may become how I can coexist with this experience without losing the ability to parent effectively. If I have cancer, treating it becomes only one dimension of my challenge, I must also consider the questions of how I want to live with cancer, or if necessary, how do I want to die? From this perspective I am challenged to find solutions for the problem of living fully despite the natural difficulties of human existence, rather than focusing on the unrealistic task of how to eliminate those human experiences before I start to live.

Twelve Step programs, modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous, have universally adopted the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And, the wisdom to know the difference.

The broad applicability and usefulness of this prayer is revealed by this change in perspective. The first step in all of these programs is an admission of powerlessness, a surrendering of the delusion that we can control a process that experience has demonstrated that we cannot successfully control, be it drinking, drug use, gambling, or trying to make our lives conform to some ideal image we have constructed.

If we look closely and honestly at our experience we will often discover that we have been struggling to achieve a particular outcome that experience has taught us again and again is not in our control. Our first step is often to surrender that outcome, and begin to look for how we can live a life of purpose accepting that conditions may remain exactly as they are.

People are sometimes so tied to the agenda of getting their way, that they cannot imagine happiness in a life where satisfying their desire is not possible. Some people are sure to feel that their spouse must become more loving, or their children more respectful, or their finances more abundant, or their jobs more befitting of their self-image. If these things do not change they simply cannot imagine a life worth living. It is necessary to outgrow this childish and self-centered perspective, and the temper tantrums that come with it. People often commit suicide not because they want to die, but because they are unwilling to accept the terms and conditions of living. There are abundant examples of people, both famous and ordinary, who despite poverty, lack of education, illness, disability, and unfavorable conditions of all sorts have made enormously meaningful contributions to the world, and the people around them. These people are proof that the quality or importance of our lives is not based on our circumstances, but how we act in those circumstances. Within any human experience there is a gift that can benefit others. Satisfaction comes when we discover this gift and a way to share it.

We can view these sorts of everyday problems as the natural condition of living. No matter how traumatic they might feel our essential problem remains the same. How do we live a life that has meaning while adapting ourselves to the conditions that exist? We have always done this. We have always lived with limitations of wealth, ability, opportunity, health, time, and experience. When these limitations suddenly and dramatically change it is natural to grieve our loss, yet our essential challenge in life has not really changed. It is possible given our new set of conditions to accept our limitations and use the experience gained to create a life of meaning and purpose.